DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
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#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.