I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
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My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..