That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
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absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Thursday Thought.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.