After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
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Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.