I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
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*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!