5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
You Might Also Like
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker