an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
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Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”