[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
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“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
I told my vodka about you.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body