Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
You Might Also Like
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Just a friendly reminder!
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too