Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
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I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server