*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
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I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.