There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
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When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I’m giving up for Lent.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Got him!
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?