birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
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My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
termite twitter scares me
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.