[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
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[the middle of showering] I need a break
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”