Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
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another case of gang violins
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Every damn time
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty