If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
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Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”