How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
You Might Also Like
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
sin harder.