I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
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The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Not all heroes wear capes….
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
What the hell is going on?
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron