HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
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I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I know
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
The struggle is real
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week