Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
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Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center