[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
You Might Also Like
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing