Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
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Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle