I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
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Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.