Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
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boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately