I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
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I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Oh hi lol
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.