You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
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oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers