Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
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My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*