When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
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No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.