brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
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Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
they really do be looking like this
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to