cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
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if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Confused owl: What?!
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.