If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
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I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Breaking news:
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Steam Forums
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”