Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
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People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE