[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
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I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram