dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
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Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”