I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
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Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
San Francisco has too many rules
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is