ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
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I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.