“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
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NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft