I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
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Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
New menu item
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins