1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
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#StillHurts
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Baller is short for ballerina
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.