Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
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My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.