At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
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I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
This is painfully accurate 😅
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit