Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
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Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I am having an out of money experience.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.