Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
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[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
#Caturday
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Carpe DM
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.