Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
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[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Don’t snitch tag.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.