My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
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I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.