white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
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Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”