CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
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😂 amazing answer
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.