Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
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If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
How to draw a duck
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
you’re so productive for your wage
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I didn’t realize that was an option
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.