“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
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How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
when revenge coincides with naptime
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf