At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
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Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks